Critic

Thinking Out Loud: Miss Bala

| Richard Valero

Welcome to the 2nd edition of Thinking Out Loud where I take running notes throughout the movie.

I went to see Miss Bala, I really had semi-low expectations for this movie but I’ve been proven wrong plenty of times over movies that looked awful.

This will be obviously SUPER HEAVY on Spoilers (mind you not a whole lot of twist or turns in this one), you can check out my non-spoiler review here: https://letterboxd.com/rickygangster/film/miss-bala-2019

Well with all that mumbo-jumbo out of the way.


Here we go…

(Only person in the theaters, this movie is going to make billions)

We’ve got fashion week folks, oooooooooooooooo he just said honey we ain’t paying you to think.

Fashion show people seem so mean.

We’re going to Mexico and in this movie there are no walls.

Based on a Spanish language film? Had no clue.

Sisters are excited to see each other, dancing and now reminiscing over old pictures and drinks.

He bought the kid a toy, he said holy shit. Yikes, parenting is not a plus here.

Miss Baja America …. I think I could win

Cheese anyone? (I deserve a model contract)

OMG FRIENDSHIP BRACELETS

Oh, she just got her but grabbed, dudes are dicks. She’s in the bathroom and now dudes are breaking into the club.

She’s American, sooooooo they let her go? Interesting.

They are now shooting up the club, Bala is running outside and now tried to call the best friend.

She left the best friend in the club? Wow worlds worst best friend.

So wait, she fell asleep in the diner? And just woke up? And they let her? I’m confused.

She got in a cop car and said she saw everything and the cop said when we get to the police station tell them everything. Hahahahaha he pulled over and said he was going to get his lunch and walked into a hotel and she just sat in the car. LOL

She’s in deep shit now. The big boss is now interrogating her.

He’s cutting deals, she helps, he lets the friend go. I totally trust him.

He’s now making her drive a car to some random place, (obviously scene from trailer) we about to blow up the safe house. She doesn’t seem thrilled that she had a part in that. He signed her up for the pageant, ha.

He gave her one of those Motorola flip walkie talkie phones.

She broke free, she’s now running in heels, and ran towards a guy, welp. This ain’t good. Oh wait, it’s the FIVE-O.

He’s awfully handsie for a cop, and a dick.

Cops making promises that I’m sure he can’t keep.

This is like taken but with a female lead. The little kid turned on her phone to find games on that old ass flip phone only to get her in trouble with the big man.

So they’ve now taken over her house, to save one of their fallen soldiers.

Ummm he’s making her take his boots off, cause he’s had a long day. He’s making her strip, I mean he’s making sure she ain’t wearing a wire duh.

Oh no, Rueben is dead!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I just got to know him. (As the lifeless body they tried to save in this random ladies house)

He’s now telling stories about a girl he knew in high school.

They strapping money to her, Wolf of Wall Street style. Loading her car fully of dope.

Homie sidekick has some issues with the American, he’s going to gut her Godson like a chicken, that’s a little harsh.

Driving through the border looks like driving through downtown Nashville during rush hour traffic.

Anthony Mackie has arrived. Does he make good movies?

DEA has a mole inside his operation.

So a powerful guy in Mexico and she’s going to try and get him arrested by setting him up? She does understand other bosses exist? Dumb American.

GUN FIRE, repeat GUN FIRE …. she’s making a run for the double doors!!!!!! The cops lied, repeat the COPS LIED…. shocking. No cop was waiting for her. The cop just said she was on her own. Wow.

I get it, she saved him after he got shot but hundreds of bullets flying and not one hits him, unreal. One thing that really bugs me about action movies.

Anyone remember the Mole TV show? That was I think on Fox? That was such a good show.

Set the kitchen on fire and now going through the phones and replacing the chip in another phone. Smart move. That was single handily the best part of this whole movie.

He’s teaching her how to shoot. AR-15 made in the USA comment felt forced.

This is extremely boring. And now we get story time.

Damn she put the police bug inside the chicks phone, damn. That was predictable.

I seriously skipped nap time to see this movie.

They found the best friend, she’s being sold as a sex slave. Sounds like a very familiar storyline.

She had to win Miss Bala American, get invited to the party and get in the police chiefs bedroom, he kills him and she gets her best friend. Sounds really easy.

She WON OMGGGGGGG SHE WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She’s awful with these fake ass tears.

The sisters have reunited!!!!!!!!!!! She just realized that her new boy toy is a liar. Duh. I am absolutely shocked he was lying to her.

Gun fire everywhere, LOUD NOISES ….. LOUD NOISES

Oh man. She’s fired a gun once and now she’s about to shoot everyone. BIG EYE ROLL.

Oh no, she shot him. Didn’t see that coming.

Anthony Mackie is a cop, that kind of surprised me.

Shoot gun once, shoot bad guy and now work for the CIA… cool

Overall Thoughts:

* out of ***** stars

This movie was super predictable from start to finish. It has become so frustrating that in ALL action movies trained shooters can’t seem to shoot a target in the middle of the field.

The story was bland, lacked a lot of substance, it felt very Taken like. Nobody will mistake any of this cast for award nominations any time soon. It was just really lazy writing, poor execution, and overall poor movie.

Maybe catch it on RedBox?

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Thinking Out Loud: Serenity

| Richard Valero

So I went to the theaters to see Serenity, it’s been a little while that a movie has had such drastic differences in opinion, either people liked the film or they hated it.

I decided to have a little fun with this review and jotted my thoughts down as stuff transpired during the movie, it was more of a running blog. I will share my thoughts throughout the film as I saw it and my overall review of the film will be at the bottom.

THIS IS HEAVY ON THE SPOILERS, so if you want to just see the review scroll on down to the bottom or check out my review here: https://letterboxd.com/rickygangster/film/serenity-2019/

Off we go!!!!!!!

Matthew McConaughey voice has really become the same on every movie 

McConaughey takes his fishing way too seriously. Pulling knifes on these guys.

Suit guy just took off his dress shoes to walk into about 3 foot deep of water. 

Oh, well hello Diane Lane

Her cat is missing, please someone call John Wick, or does he only care about dogs? 

So wait, he’s hooked this tuna 4 times since New Year (don’t know time frame) but that seems like an awful big letdown? McConaughey has been friend zone by this tuna and he doesn’t even realize it.

McConaughey just fired his buddy and blamed not catching this fish on his dead wife, that’s brutal.

Well Hello Blonde Anne Hathaway.
 
McConaughey didn’t show up to his high school reunion? What? Really? No way? Doesn’t know what Facebook is.

Frank doesn’t seem like a swell guy

Oh snap, Anne had McConaughey baby? Son looks like neither one of them? That’s weird. 

Hathaway is hiring baby daddy to kill the husband? 10 million cash? Sweet. 

So wait, he lives in a he lives in a ship container? That’s kind of cool, also takes showers in the ocean? That doesn’t seem fun. 

I have seen a whole lots of McConaughey butt in the last few minutes.

Now I have seen his package, and he is underwater and is seeing things. 

What in the world is happening? He is running the table that has water in it, and he’s kid is too, they are talking to each other.

This is getting weird. 

Hello Jason Clarke!!!!!!! I love this guy!!!!! 

Naked Anne Hathaway.

Clarke is analyzing her body, dissecting scratches, yikes. He’s a dick.

These recliner seats with seat warmers are rather comfy. 

Wow, he beat her with his hands and the belt for an hour and half, wow, yikes. Clark is really a dick. 

Well that was a fun first exchange between Clark and McConaughey, it was intense, spot on, the right amount of words were said, the acting was perfect, and the point was made. 

Lane is a tad jealous of Hathaway. 

Hounsou is a solid actor, he is a perfect supporting actor. 

Wait the son hears him through his computer? Wait what? Again. Weird. 

Side note: fishing doesn’t look fun, my uncle rocky took my when I was a kid, I enjoyed it at that time but now? Nope. I’m good. Plus I don’t eat fish, so why fish? Right?

Clarke is such an amazing villain. Just the mannerisms, the voice, I just love every single thing he does in these types of roles. Very Gatsby like here. 

If I didn’t find a way to catch fish all day, I would kill you. 

Again intense scene between the two, Clarke plays the asshole, talking about his son, not knowing it’s his son, being just a straight dick, and McConaughey using very little words. 

Hathaway is playing a nice damsel and distressed. 

Damn, McConaughey took the bait, him seeing the welts on her back, yikes. 

Hathaway is fucking nuts, I mean who didn’t see these two eventually getting it on. More McConaughey butt. 

Strange briefcase dude has finally caught up with McConaughey, at 2:30 in the morning. 

So wait, this guy is selling him a fish finder at 2:30 in the morning? Shits fishy. (see what I did there) 

This escalated quickly!!!! Weird dude knows everything. Wtf? It’s a game? He’s son made a game with him in it? Holy shit, this just got twisted. 

Wait was that a dream? The hell? 

Welp, one big map, with just that island on it. This is a big mind ****. 

Are these the same fields from Signs? 

So now McConaughey thinks it’s a game, but it might not be a game, but it might be a game.

If you are reading this, I am just as confused as you are. 

What light goes Red, Yellow, Green? Is that a real thing? 

Wait Clarke got his ass kicked, best buddy Duke saved the day!!!!! What kind of name is Baker Dill anyway?

This movie is twisted. This is how I like my thrillers. Still don’t know what they hell is going on.

Oooooo back to the Signs fields are back.

Hathaway is a nuts, she’s absolutely nuts. 

I love the fact this Reid Miller guy shows up in a suit and tie but refuses to get his dress shoes dirty.

McConaughey became a much better driver in a span of 5 minutes. 

BIG TUNA IS BACK… WARNING BIG TUNA IS BACK

Holy shit this movie is deep, this kid created the game to have the balls to kill his abusive step dad holy shit.

My god, I love this movie. 

And now he changed the game so he can be with his dad, no you’re crying. 

Just spoke to a lady walking out, she put it really good, “that’s one you are going to have to ponder for a while” 

Overall Thoughts:

**** out of ***** stars

I am completely and utterly blown away by what I just witnessed.

The pace of the movie was spot on, I felt every act and every sequence came at the right time. You were left guessing for quite awhile but you were left enough throughout to nibble on.

Several twist including the big one, that was a really turning point in the film that I really loved and honestly didn’t really see coming.

I will say the writing in this, man its deep. And to be honest you wonder if this comes from a place that hits at home. But this movie is absolutely crazy, and crazy for all the right reasons,

The acting was just perfect.

Clarke (who will one day play in a movie I write), he is one of my favorite actor that always brings his A game to the table. 

McConaughey and Hathaway both were really strong in their roles.
The rest of the cast, Hounsou, Lane and Strong were all spot on and all played their roles.

Go into this film with an open mind. Just do it. It’s a top notch thriller that keeps you on the edge of your seat. 

Date Night Review: The Upside

| Richard Valero

Welcome to another edition of the Date Night Review, where I give you my review of the movie, my wife gives her thoughts and we collectively help you decide if this movie is worthy of a Date Night.

I will dive right in, give you the Good, the Bad and my overall thoughts

The Good

Kevin Hart/Bryan Cranston: This pairing just works for all the reasons you think it would work. You have Cranston who can be very witty but at the same time he can bring a very dry sense of humor as well, mix that up with probably the funniest man in the planet in Kevin Hart, you have a solid on-screen duo.

Hart: He plays a struggling Dad who has paid for his mistakes by losing out on the raising of his son. He really embodies the role well, I think he shows a little of his acting chops you don’t get to see in some of his over the top funny roles. He makes you feel all the things you need to feel, whether he makes laugh, whether he pulls at the heart strings in the moments he realizes the mistakes he’s made.

Cranston: These roles are not the easiest to play, to play a role in which you have no body movement really, where you just basically can move your face. I have really wanted to see Cranston break out of some sort after how amazing he was in Breaking Bad, while these might not have been that groundbreaking, I do think it’s a step in the right direction.

Nicole Kidman: You know I wasn’t really sure what to expect from Kidman in this, I didn’t get the vibe she would be in this a whole lot and honestly thought she was really good in this. She fit in well with the duo (not acting wise, she’s a rockstar) and really brought some good stuff to the film.

The Funny: I won’t spoil anything but the “Penis Scene” is one of those just hilarious moments in movies that you will be talking about for hours after the movie is over.

The Bad: Predictability? Maybe?

Overall Thoughts

*** 1/2 out of *****

It won’t go down as one of the best movies of the year but it certainly will go down as one of the most heartfelt movies of the year.

The directing, the pacing, a fun redemption/overcoming story to fire along a solid on-screen combo makes the movie really enjoyable.

The Wife’s Thought’s: Great movie! I knew it would be a feel good movie but didn’t anticipate the true friendship that was formed. They forced each other to self-evaluate and their banter kept me laughing the entire movie. Thumbs up!!!

Date Night Worthy: Absolutely, a fun, warm, heartfelt movie? It’s the key to the perfect Date Night movie.

Hercules Review

| Richard Valero

So I went to the movies and saw Hercules starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. I had some high expectations because I thought the trailer was rather well done. So here is my review of the film.

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