Noah Movie Review/Random Thoughts

So I decided on a Thursday night to take a stroll on out to the movies and check out Noah. While the trailers have shown promise, I thought this could actually be a good little early spring movie. Darren Aronofsky tabbed as director and really enjoyed his last film (Black Swann) and he paired up with Russell Crowe who I’ve enjoyed in various movies over the years. I had a little fun and tried a little something new while reviewing the movie and I hope you enjoy.

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Plot: A man is chosen by God to undertake a momentous mission of rescue before an apocalyptic flood destroys the world.

6:45 There is more people in here already for the early showing then I thought there would be.

6:48 Someone please tell Andrew Garfield to ditch the beard. He looks really weird.

6:51 They are taking me onto the set of the new action packed thriller “Divergent”. I rather you didn’t.

6:58 This guy in front of me is growling while eating his popcorn. I am quite terrified.

7:01 Fargo original show on FX looks interesting.

7:08 Well how about that 4-year-old Drake Sprite commercial

7:09 Oh look a new Johnny Depp movie no one will go see.

7:16 Hercules trailer looks so awesome!

7:26 We are getting a history lesson to start the movie.

7:30 Looks like Noah is left to fend for himself, daddy just got murdered. Wait is this Batman or Noah?

7:34 Wow Jennifer Connelly is still acting?

7:40 Trying to figure out if Russell Crowe is playing Noah or Russell Crowe.

7:43 A Rock (Not to be confused by the Wrestler eitherjust comes out knocks out Noah. The Rocks are now talking….. Sorry they are the “Watchers”, not the “Rocks”.

Crowe didn’t learn much from his time singing in Les Miserable, he just can’t sing.

Methuselah was a straight boss.

7:56 This is really slow to start. Slow pace, the score is great but Crowe is just underwhelming and boring.

7:57 Noah came up with a brilliant idea to create an arc.

The “Creator” just created a forest out of no-where.

8:02 How you doin’ Emma Watson?

Okay so some mysterious voodoo just killed the bird.

I get the story but not sure I can get over the just horrendous acting.

Uh-oh Ham with the almost heel turn.

8:12 Time to fight over whether or not the “creator” is real or not.

8:17 That’s a crap ton of animals to throw on the arc.

Insert crying by Emma Watson as she can’t offer the things for her man.

8:22 I like how Noah just sneaks into the camp and no one notices who he is. Why would he leave his family knowing there are hundreds of people coming for his arc?

Ham is a little upset because he won’t be getting any, anytime soon. I feel bad for the kid

The score of the film has been rather enjoyable. One of the lone bright spots of the film so far.

Methuselah (Hopkins) got jokes. His search for berries got a nice chuckle from the audience.

Now he is passing out blessings to Ila (Watson).

8:39 Tubal-Cain (Winstone) has been a so-so protagonist. Speech was nice leading up to heading for the arc. Powerful and believable.

Time for the Watchers and the people to do battle.

8:45 I wonder where Noah got his awesome fighting ability from?

Awesome scene as the water overtakes the men and the arc.

8:55 We are getting another history lesson.

9:00 Ham is helping Cain, no real plot twist here.

9:05 Growling popcorn man is out cold.

Crowe and Connolly have been downright dreadful in this. Just uninspiring and just forgettable throughout.

So that’s how we found out about babies back in the day, no peeing on a stick. Random things say you are pregnant.

Noah isn’t too thrilled; maybe he wishes the kid was his.

9:09 Noah just stated “This is painful”. I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Some sort of weird snot like stuff is all over Naameh…. Gross!

“A man is not ruled by his heavens, he is ruled by his will” – Cain – Winstone is stealing the show every time on-screen.

9:13 HOLY MOLY it’s been 9 months or this a miracle baby.

Shem was ready to fight off ol pops so he didn’t kill the kid.

Cain/Noah fight scene!!!!!!

Spoiler Alert: WE’VE GOT TWINS!!!!!!!!!

We are going to name it North and South East right?

Two girls? Noah is going to slay them.

Ham saves the day and Cain pronounces him a man.

9:25 Emma Watson has cried more than she’s actually had to act. And someone please tell me why this isn’t over?

9:32 And we get to see Noah’s ass, woo hoo!

9:35 Growling popcorn man is alive!!!! Maybe the creator got to him too!

9:37 WE HAVE THE CREDITS!

Some quick thoughts about the movie.

In a movie like this you would think it would be a movie easy to direct and translate to the big screen and Aronofsky just doesn’t put the pieces together. He really couldn’t come back after such a rough start. The casting was good but they just didn’t translate into the roles.

The big thing in Hollywood is long movies now and a 2 hour and 18 minute run time is far too long for this.

Overall rating

2 out of 5 stars

The film really suffered by the lack of great performances. Crowe/Connelly were just not that good at all and every time Watson was on-screen she was just crying. Anthony Hopkins played this role well and had a few one liners that were funny. Ray Winstone really stole the show and was a big time breath of fresh air in the movie. The CGI and effects were great, visual the movie was a sight to see for sure. The score (by Clint Mansell) was phenomenal, which is sad because the movie wasn’t on par with it. But it comes down to the pairing of Aronofsky and Crowe, both truly disappoint and really couldn’t take this film to the next level.

This is definitely a movie you can skip and wait for Redbox.

 

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Gravity Review

After hearing all the hoopla surrounding the movie Gravity, I decided to go out to the movies and see it for myself. It is the #1 movie two weeks in a row and breaking box office records. I also decided if I was going to see it, I was going to see it in 3D/IMAX. So after seeing the movie, I give you my 7 things I did and didn’t like about the movie.

Plot: A medical engineer and an astronaut work together to survive after an accident leave them adrift in space.

Gravity Review

1. The Acting: You don’t get bigger than Sandra Bullock and George Clooney, so I wasn’t surprised that the acting would be good in this. It takes a lot of talent to basically film the movie in a few shots in one spot. Bullock brought her A game to the role and the role of the “upset, lost and hurt person” is perfect for her. Though I couldn’t really “care” about her character (I’ll get into that more later) but I don’t blame her for that. She was good and it showed every time she was on the screen. Clooney was also casted perfect for this role, fun-loving guy on his last go around. He brought much-needed laughs to the movie. It was an effortless role for Clooney, nothing overly impressive but was good in the role.

2. Visually Perfect: The film was beautiful. From shot to shot in space was put together well and made up for a lack of a good story. The way he was able to make the movie seem so realistic with certain movements was really cool to see on-screen.

3. The story was good but not great: Some of the stuff that Alfonso Cuaron brought onto the screen was great but it lacked and felt “over the top”. The first half of the movie he really brought an interesting story with a nice build, but the second half just fell apart and lacked a great finish.

4. The movie was just boring: It was boring. The movie came in at 1 h 31 min, surprisingly not overdone and thankfully it wasn’t. But at times you just could wonder off in space (pun not intended). It was just tough to care or pay attention to the movie.

5. Director Alfonso Cuaron couldn’t make me care for the characters: As I stated earlier the movie had some great acting by Bullock but even with the sob story that they give you for her character, I just couldn’t find myself caring whether she lived or died.

6. 3D/IMAX: So I took the time to see the movie in 3D/IMAX because there was a lot of solid feedback on that’s how I should see it. It was my 1st experience with such format, I have seen an IMAX movie before as well as a 3D but never together at once.

1st I didn’t like that the IMAX was only part of the screen. 2nd the 3D was just terrible, outside the remastered version of Jurassic Park I have yet to see movie that made the 3D worthwhile. I want things popping out at me, for the extra 5-10$ they are making you pay at least make the movie worth it.  The movie was only around 10 minutes worth of any 3D worthy parts.

7. Final Verdict:

Vegetables out of a Full Dinner

While Cuaron brought us a visually spectacular movie, it really lacked a good story and he failed to make me care about the characters in the movie. I was bored at times and it was a wasted movie that had a great performance by Bullock. Even though it’s the #1 movie in the world, I wouldn’t recommend this movie to anyone.

My Movie Ratings Scale

Vegetable – the movie was about as boring as eating vegetable with no meat.
Vegetable and Starch – wasn’t a bad movie but it really lacked the meat.
Meat Vegetable & Starch – Enjoyable and fun but missing something
Meat Vegetable Starch & Roll – So good I came back for seconds.
Full Dinner w/Desert – The Perfect movie, where I had my cake and ate it too.

The Purge Review

Over the weekend I got to see one of the most anticipated movies of the summer for me, The Purge. I had high expectations off the build, the idea and the great marketing through the trailers. So here is what I thought was the Good, the Bad & the Ugly.

The Purge happens once a year; it’s a 12-hour time period that crime is legal. As James Sandin and his family settle in for the annual Purge, his son makes a mistake that he would soon regret.

The Good – The Idea – James DeMonaco came up with a brilliant idea here, and boy was I excited.

My favorite part was the scenes leading up to Sandin (Hawke) turning into a kick-ass hero. While I 100% hated Hawke in this role, his becoming a fine hero that was trying to protect his family was pretty good. The fight scenes had a nice touch to them and he really kicked some ass.

The Bad –The Plot holes: Without spoiling the film, there were just some terrible plot holes planted throughout its entirety.

The Acting – Ethan Hawke (who I don’t think has made a good movie since Training Day) was just terrible in this film with his lifeless portrayal of the father, James Sandin.

The rest of the cast from Headey, Burkholder (who I wish died), Kane & Hodge was just bland. I don’t know what it was but they were awful. They never really got me to buy into their characters to honestly care what happened to them.

The Ugly – The Title of the movie is the Purge: The movie is based on a Purge, which is a 12-hour window where crime is legal. So why did we get stuck in a house for 2 hours and see very minimal purging? Outside a montage at the beginning, more of a build towards the whole “purge” situation would’ve been nice.

The End – So I really think a solid ending to this film could’ve saved it from being as horrible as the movie was. Well we just couldn’t have a good ending could we? It was just as bad as the film was, and a stupid way to end this movie.

The Directing – DeMonaco never really goes to the places he should’ve with this film. From scene to scene it was just poor. For a “Horror” movie, absolutely nothing was remotely scary.

The Verdict – 1 and ½ stars out of 5

The Purge fell short of my expectations big time. What could have been a great concept was turned into a mockery. James DeMonaco should be credited for a great idea and then Purged for his poor execution on the film. Sadly, fans like myself flocked to see it and we will get an unneeded sequel to this movie. I would not recommend seeing this film to anyone in theaters.